It's so easy to look ahead that I always struggle to live in and savor the moments. If I don't make a conscious effort those moments can quickly fade from my memory. These are some of the things I want to remember.
When Gemma was in NICU, there was a night where she had to eat every 3 hours on the dot because they were monitoring her blood sugar. If it was too low they would give her formula. After waking up so many times that night, I sat in the rocker pumping while Mike held Gemma. There were dividers up around us, but I could hear the day starting and see the sun filtering in through the always closed blinds. I was beyond exhausted but the hormones from pumping were relaxing me and I managed to doze off.
One of our last mornings in NICU, I was sitting in the rocker nursing Gemma and I could see out the small window in our semi private room. I had grown to love these early mornings and watching the stars ebb to daylight.
I went to visit my 95 year old grandpa with my parents. Gemma was with me and Grandpa was elated to be holding sweet Gemma Lorraine, the latter which was named for his wife. She started fussing and he asked if I had a bottle. I smiled sweetly and said, "nope, just me". "You nursing her?", he asked. I replied yes and took her into the bedroom. As I was getting her on I heard him say, "she doesn't have to be concerned about feeding her child in front of me, I've been down that road many times." I never knew my grandma nursed her babies and I was grateful for the surprising support from my sweet stubborn, old grandpa.
I was swimming with Gemma in my parents pool. I was holding her tight and letting her get used to the water. I was smiling at her and she was smiling back at me from underneath her eyelet sunhat when this song came on.
Back when all my little goals seemed so important
Every pot of gold fill and full of distortion
Heaven was a place still in space not in motion
But soon
I got you
I got everything
I’ve got you
I don’t need nothing
More than you
I got everything
I’ve got you
We went walking through the hills
Tryin’ to pretend that we both know
Maybe if we save up
We can build a little home
But then the hell storm came and yelled,
“You need to let go, you’ve got no control. No.”
I got you
I got everything
I’ve got you
I don’t need nothing
More than you
I got everything
I’ve got you
This weight’s too much alone
Some days I can't hold it at all
You take it on for me
When tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I’ve got you
And when tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I got you
I got you
I got everything
I’ve got you
I don’t need nothing
More than you
I got everything
I’ve got you
I woke up to Max having a small seizure in bed. I stared into his eye and told him he was ok, that he was safe and I was with him. The fan blew my hair around his face and I could see my face reflected in his eyes.
September
Gem and I were in her rocker nursing. Max finally figured out he could lay on the ottoman and we all sat that way dozing. Gemma looked up at me as I was looking down at her, she gave me a sleepy smile and we both closed our eyes and napped.
I often nap with Gemma during the day. She comes into bed with me and nurses to sleep. She reaches up to play with her hair and holds onto my hands.
